I sat and cried in my car today. I gathered my belongings and rushed out of the restaurant where I was having lunch so I could cry in private. I felt foolish.
I had a rough day yesterday and was feeling overwhelmed and desperate for a break. Our AC is broken at home and it's hot as hell here in Texas. I mean, I'm sure its hotter in hell, but you get the point. My kids were out of control and my house is a mess. The dogs' hair and muddy paw prints are all over my kitchen floor and on my white couches. Why we have white couches? I don't know! We have children for crying out loud!
It's been an overwhelming few weeks. Humberto works out of town and I have a full time job. Well, I have two full time jobs if you count this mom thing. Anyway, I took leave from work to 'rest' and did everything but that. I spent my leave in the valley. It was nice to be around family and in a house with AC. I did something every day even if I just wanted to sleep, but I digress.
I was feeling sorry for myself and just kept thinking how unfair it is for me to be doing everything alone. The heat makes everything so much worse. It sucks seeing the kids sweating at night and waking out of their sleep from how hot it is. They sleep with a fan blowing in their face and without any clothes on their little bodies, but its still pretty hot. The AC company ordered the wrong part when they initially went out to 'fix' it. Turns out they need to replace the entire unit so it's going to take a few weeks before they can even schedule an appointment to come replace it.
God spoke to me today.
Not in the way you and I would have a normal conversation, but I know for sure He spoke to me inside that restaurant. I was at Corner Bakery in case you're wondering. I had seen a lady walk to the bathroom with her daughter. She was coming from a table with another lady which I'm assuming was her mother (she looked older). I sat there eating; I'd say I was peacefully eating my food, but that'd be a lie. I was angry and sad. I wasn't upset to eat alone. I actually enjoy doing that. I was upset because it sucks to feel overwhelmed and not have the support you really need. I just kept thinking how I need a break from work, from the kids, from the cleaning; just to be alone for a bit. When I finally looked up from my plate I noticed the lady feeding her grandchild. Except she wasn't feeding him with a fork or spoon. She was feeding him through his feeding tube. She was pouring his milk into a bag where it'd go through a line to his stomach.
In that moment I felt foolish
I knew God was putting things into perspective for me. Here I am feeling sorry for myself, feeling overwhelmed and resenting the fact that my husband is rarely in town; all while this woman has it a whole lot more difficult than I probably ever will. Yes, I'm going through a rough season in my life; nonetheless I'm so blessed to have healthy children that drive me nuts. I don't have to be in and out of hospitals for treatment for my children. I get to watch them make a mess at home and run around after the dogs. They eat solid food by themselves.
As I collected my belongings to leave the restaurant, the woman came out of the restroom and smiled at me. I smiled back and wished I told her how strong she is. I didn't say anything. I walked out feeling ashamed and grateful at the same time. I sat in my car and ugly cried. I do need a break, but I don't feel sorry for myself anymore. I'm grateful for my life and I'm grateful for my chaos.
Thank you, Jesus for putting things into perspective and I'm sorry for taking my life for granted.
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